Lust- critique

Susan Minot’s story Lust is almost a list of all her sexual experiences as a teenager. She goes over the men she’s been with, when, where, how it was, and how she feels about it. The story sacrifices quality for quantity, which could be said to be the narrator’s life story when it came to sex. Instead of discussing one or two lovers in depth she gives short scenes and descriptions about several. Often lumping them all together as just men in general. While it might be nice to know more about the men she finds herself with, and their relationship, much can be gleaned by her generalizations and the idea that there is little difference between the boyfriends.  

The tone of this story is vey depressed. She laments her lovers and says she’s ashamed. She uses the metaphor that every lover a woman has is like taking a petal off a flower. She feels like she is losing herself but she can’t stop herself because she can’t turn the boys down for dates and if she goes on a date she has to do something because she doesn’t want to be a tease. She’s caught in a vicious circle and she knows she is but still can’t manage to escape.  

promise-workshop

It seems rare to get a story told almost entirely in second person. Most are in third or first person, or will have dialogue and some description in second person, but this story is entirely in second and it makes it personal. This isn’t a story about a girl’s anxiety or past, but the reader’s. They are the ones sitting in the orchestra and listening to the music. This pulls the reader even further into the story because they have a vested interest. It does also sound like how a person really talks to him/herself. The voice in our head addresses us in the second person and that is the narrator, the little voice in our head; the source of most anxiety.  

I think the structure is interesting. It begins in the present and then moves between the present and the past, but it does so in logical places. So this really does sound like a stream of thought going back and forth throughout time and space.

perfection-workshop

When writing about art it can be difficult to get the images across to the reader but in this case it worked perfectly. Even though I could not visually see the art that was in the story, it was described in such a way, that I could easily imagine it. It was also very easy to understand and relate to the protagonist. He had a clear objective, recreate the portrait and thus prove that he could still create beauty, and a logical mean of achieving it, paint until it’s perfect. There was not anything that was forced or untruthful about it. Because the idea is simple it feels real.

           

 On page 4 you talk about the accident where he lost his hand and I feel like that is unnecessary. We already know he lost his hand in an accident of some kind, having it explained breaks from the action of painting and just sounds like exposition for the sake of it. A little ambiguity is fine, we know the basics, and that’s all we need to know.

in hours of autumnal sleep- workshop

Is this supposed to be a dream? It shifts so quickly and nothing seems to be connected to anything else, you talk about cigarettes then bars and sparrows and the moon. It seems more like a stream of conciseness piece than one of fiction. If it is a dream with different vignettes changing as the dream goes on then wouldn’t there be a connecting theme, like falling or running. So that no matter what the scene is it deals with the motif because that is what the subconscious mind is going through.

           

 It is also easy to see there is a rhyming scheme to the lines. This gives it a lyrical and poetic feel. It does give the story beauty, but without a structure holding everything together it just looks like a dozen short poems put end to end.  

Cute without the "E"-workshop

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It’s an interesting story from an interesting point of view. I enjoy stories told from new points of view, especially when they are inanimate objects. It makes you think about how these tools and objects we use see us. I do feel the beginning makes the story harder to understand by trying to trick the reader into thinking the narrator is a human. The third sentence says, “I’m not really even a social person.” You open by calling the narrator a person, and when we find out it’s a knife on page two it breaks up the flow, because I had to go back to see if I missed a detail where you said it was a knife. It makes the story harder to get into, because now it’s like the reader has to start over again.

I also find the number of victims unrealistic for such an incompetent killer. It says he killed thirty-five women, and was only “caught” because a cop car just happened to be driving past that very ally at that very moment he was killing the woman. Not to mention he uses the same weapon for each murder and started with his wife. Did no one notice she disappeared? Did Bill report her missing? If he didn’t it’s suspicious. If he did he would be a suspect. For this story to work he would have to be a criminal mastermind, who he doesn’t seem to be, and the police would have to be completely worthless. This makes the story untruthful and hard to swallow.

communist critique

Richard Ford’s Communist tells the story of a young boy who goes hunting with a man that used to be romantically linked to his mother. It is odd how the boy is so indifferent to a man he says he likes. He enjoys his conversations and his description of his hunts and trips to Asia, and yet doesn’t care if he marries his mother. When he leaves, presumably for good, he couldn’t care less; an unexpected response for the man that showed him the spectacle of the geese. Another oddity about Glen Baxter is that it is rare in the story for him to be identified as anything else. It seems only in dialogue where Glen is easier is his surname not mentioned. Perhaps this is to demonstrate that they were never close, you never call family or close friends by their full names, just strangers and people who are known by their full names, i.e. historical figures/celebrities. The fact that he is almost always referred to by his full name might indicate that Glen Baxtor is a name that the audience (or people in the fictional universe of the story) would or should recognize.

Chimera workshop

Chimera seems to be two stories told side by side. One is the story of Harold, an accountant that is trying to sell fifteen years worth of dreams. The other story is Rashid the owner of the dream store that Harold goes to. I think that either both stories need to be more fully developed or one should be cut. Harold’s story does compose most of the drama, but by the end it is more about how Rashid see’s Harold and other customers that come to him and less about Harold. Rashid is giving Harold advice, but who is he? I think either he needs more development and growth or the story needs to be completely about Harold with very little Rashid.

I think Harold also needs some more background information. We are never told why Harold is trying to sell his dreams, his parents seemed to be wealthy so why is he so desperate for money? What happens to Harold after the sale? He leaves and we stay with Rashid in the store. Is this new customer on the phone supposed to be the next Harold selling his dreams for cash? Then maybe we should see Rashid’s sale pitch, how does he get people to sell their dreams for so little money?    

the phantasy of he

The Phantasy of He is a fantastical story about a young boy that learns to confront his dreams and make them what he wants them to be. And in the end shows his dream off for the world to see.

I love how the boy’s dream is a real tangible object. It makes the story and the ideas behind it much more intriguing. It’s not the boy changing his mind or feelings, but taking this black object out from his ear and sewing all his favorite things to it. He literally makes his dream his own creation instead of being ruled by it despite what everyone else tells him. I think it’s a message that always needs to be retold, and doing it with a literal dream makes gives it a childish touch of fantasy.

I think it is a good choice that everything is told from the child’s point of view. The voice sounds so innocent and childlike. Like when he does what he is told so he won’t be reprimanded by the grownups. That is how a child would rationalize.even the word choice sounds child-like at times, and then very sophisticated in others, but I think the blend works.

what wasn't said workshop

What Wasn’t Said is a bromatic story that went wrong. It seems like these two guys had a special relationship until they had a falling out. If that's the central part of the story then that moment needs to be bigger. It’s weird that the narrator would stop being friends with Peers because he picked a guy up. I think Peers needs to do something more outrageous, because being a little embarrassed is a weak excuse to stop being friends with someone. It makes the friendship itself look weak if that’s all it took to end it. It could be small if this was just the latest of a series of events, a straw that broke the camels back.

One part that was out of place was the dream sequence. Peers has a dream about a shark like Virgin Mary and the narrator is trying to drive into her. It doesn’t seem to connect to the story or characters at all. If we knew Peers was religious then the virgin part would make sense, but the driving aspect is out of nowhere. If the story is going to have a dream either the symbolism has to work for the story, or the motivation behind telling it does. Is Peers telling this strange story so the narrator will talk to him about it? If so that should be made clearer. 

the man with two souls workshop

I think the premise behind The Man with Two Souls is very interesting. At first I thought the title was metaphoric and symbolic, like a man with two faces. But then at page three the protagonist has the conversation with “himself” and we realize he really is someone else. I like how he tries to figure out who he is, using business cards and maps. I think it’s really creative how he is living this stranger’s life. I would like to know why he’s in this person’s body and how it happened, but that’s just personal curiosity, I think the story is OK with out that knowledge, because that’s not what the story is about. It’s not about the how it happens, but what to do now that it already has.

I do think we need to get a better sense of who the guy who is being possessed is normally. Nobody picks up on him acting like a different person, not even his girlfriend. I think there should be some action he does that could expose him. Like being nice to a person ‘he’ has a rivalry with, or ordering something at the restaurant ‘he’ is allergic to. Small clues that no body picks up because he can think fast and talk his way out of it. It also makes sense since he is a different person.