Pretend Games- workshop

Pretend games is about two girls playing and what happens when the playing becomes real. There doesn’t seem to be a clear conflict or resolution with the story. If the conflict is that E wants to run away then it ends with her being found, if it’s about how these girls want to switch lives then we need to see more of Tay. Since this is a third person narrator it can go into Tay’s thoughts about E and her life. But there should to be one over-arcing conflict that the characters try to resolve otherwise what’s the point of their actions.

I would have liked to see more about Tay’s life. Why does she hide on the shed roof and leave with De De? Who’s truck was in the driveway? Maybe a section that follows Tay after E leaves that shows what her life is like might explain why she is running away. There is a lot of potential in a story where both girls envy the other’s life, when in reality both are flawed and painful. Prince and pauper. 

Give The Water The Rest

Give the water the rest is an interesting fantasy story about a true monster. The opening describes Emile as someone with scales and gills in water, but it isn’t until later on that we find out that he and his sister are mermaids. At first I thought maybe he was an alligator, but when he could walk around like a human I thought maybe a shark hybrid, because he describes his shark teeth. While it is clear from the beginning that he is not human it is not completely clear that he is a mermaid until it is told to the audience.

The story is very interesting and moves at a very bisque pace, making it easy to read. I am wondering about the mermaid world. Are they the only mermaids? What is their life like when they’re not killing or raping humans? Also eternal youth is mentioned in the end. If that is something they have then maybe that should up earlier and play a bigger role.

Annunciation- workshop

Annunciation begins with a story about a girl at church that turns into a nightmare about a girl in a church. The transition from story about church to a story about rape is very subtle and well built to. It isn’t this sudden change but a slow progression. When the pastor first comes into the room he does have a very kind tone to him and we think that this is going to be a 7^th heaven moment, where she tells him her fears and he helps her. Then his words sound creepy, but could be argued as otherwise. Then he sets his words to actions and it all comes together.  

I would have like to know more about the narrator. Who she is? What is this church? What’s her history with it? And maybe an explanation on what is going on. Is this something all Christians do because I’ve only seen this on TV. Similarly I would like to see what is going on in her mind during the rape. We get a very visual image of what is happening without it being graphic or grotesque, but we never see what is going on inside her head. This will give a better idea about who she is and ultimately make her a much fuller and more sympathetic character.

Sea Oak- critique

George Saunders’s Sea Oak starts with introducing the family this story revolves around. There’s the narrator, who has to strip to earn a living, his sister and cousin who must juggle studying for the GRE, raising two babies, and watching trash TV, and the Aunt. She is made to be the most saintly character in fiction. She’s had a rough life with nothing other than work and taking care of her nieces and nephew. She is a paragon of hope optimism, and then she dies. It is so sudden and out of nowhere that it takes the reader by surprise. Especially when we find out that she was killed by freight. Not the person that robbed her, or the guns that went off what seems like the night before, but being scared by a burglar. But it’s ok because she comes back to life and goes back to the apartment to see her family. 

            Aunt Bernie coming back comes out of nowhere and turns this sadly truthful story into a weird trip. It has great potential for a lot of socio-economic commentary, and some is there. But because it changes genres from realistic drama to horro/sci-fi it takes the reader out of reality and thus undermines it messages.

looking for jason- workshop

Looking for Jason is a story of a man searching for his missing son. It is an incredibly emotional situation that has great potential, but avoids the emotional aspect. The story revolves around a man who goes to the outskirts of town to the woods to search for his son, then his reluctance to leave without him. The story mentions the man’s dead wife, and his son’s absence but it seems cold and devoid of heart. Even though I intellectually know the stakes and dilemma the man must be in, he doesn’t allow the reader to feel the stakes. This could be because we never see him express emotion. He seems to be angry in the beginning when he yells at the kids by the levee, but that could just be because they aren’t listening to him, and not out of concern for his son. The scene with him telling stories to Cassie is a great scene and can give a great insight into the character, but even that seems a little cold. Like he wants to express regret and pain, but can’t. And if that is who the character is, unfeeling, that could be a very interesting story, but then the reader needs to see the emotion he won’t show other characters, or admit to himself.

proceed to checkout- workshop

Proceed to Checkout is a look into Martha, a Kleptomaniac’s life. I like how it starts, with a receipt, but it doesn’t really fit if she is stealing, she wouldn’t get a receipt. That makes it confusing in the end when it shows a receipt for the cigarettes; it has a line for tax. So did Seth steal them, buy them, or did Martha buy them for him? Either option is interesting but the ambiguity is just confusing. I think if it’s stolen then the receipts should not resemble store receipts. It could have a zero for total, but it shouldn’t look like what a store gives.

            I also feel like this story is cut short. It ends with what looks like the opening to another story, Seth’s story. That’s something I would like to read. Is it his side of the story? His adventures? Why he went to the store with Martha to sit out in the car, wouldn’t he be better used out front as a distraction or companion? The relationship seems to be very deep and meaningful and yet we see so little of it. At first I forgot Martha was only 23 and thought she was an older mother figure to him. She still could be, or a sisterly person, or there could be some sexual tension that would make the relationship more complicated and interesting.    

blackwater men- workshop

BlackWater Men is a look into the friendship and development of two Native American boys. The story has a full arc, starting with the boys as freshmen in high school and continuing through early manhood. Making the title very sound. It starts by introducing the blackwater boys, and ends with the blackwater men driving off, never to return. Because it is a longer story it is able to follow the lives of these two boys, though mostly just Fresco, without missing or skipping anything that would be important.

            I think the stakes in this story are very palpable and relatable. The first half is about two kids doing stupid stuff in high school, a period of life marked by stupid decisions. They aren’t killing people or stealing cars, they’re raiding liquor cabinets and smoking cigarettes at parties. Then they move up to harder and more intense crimes, like meth and scamming a casino. It is a logical progression that increases the stakes and possibility of punishment. This ground in reality makes the characters real and relatable, and the events of the story believable.