Caviar critique

T.C. Boyle’s Caviar is an interesting story featuring a fisherman, his wife and the surrogate mother of their child. The way the story is written it sounds like the fisherman is telling the story to a friend over beers. He continuously goes off topic, talking about a tangent thought or event and bring it back with “anyway,” as if he was speaking and this was just one of his habits. It does however, allow for a great deal of detail and exposition to be given without completely ruining the flow of the story. He can talk about an affair he had years ago, or what kind of fish he would reel in during a season and then bring it back to the main story about the baby.

I did find it interesting how the narrator not going to college became a big part of his identity. The first sentence of the story states he didn’t go to college, as if that detail is the first thing the audience should know about him. Not what he does or where he lives, but the fact that he didn’t go to college is the thing that people should know “right off.” And in the end it’s the reason Wendy leaves him, because she would rather be with a doctor than a fisherman that didn’t go to college. Maybe this shows that the narrator feels that if he did go to college he would have gotten Wendy or not inherited his father’s life. That if he did his life would be better in some part.     

A Trip to the Desert Workshop

A Trip to the Desert is a very emotional story, but it takes a very short amount of time to go through. I’m not saying the story is too short (that’s the point of a short story, to be short) but in the story it doesn’t account for any time not mentioned in the story itself. The narrator never hints at events that occur that are not mentioned, so we have to assume that what is mentioned is the entirety of her visit, which would only be about ten minutes. They say hello, enter the house, have coffee, talk, she shows designs, finds out the husband is dead, cries, comforts, talks, and leaves. If you want it to be a quick visit, then make it intentional, you say she doesn’t want to spend the night; so maybe they visited later in the day so she would only have to be there for a few minutes. Or mention a conversation or event that took too long to be completely covered in a short story.   

Also, I think the birds should play a bigger part in the story, they are mentioned in the beginning and end, but not in the middle. If they are a big part of the mother’s life then have them walk across the table, or squawk the entire time they’re there. This could become another reason Cassie doesn’t want to be in the house or around her mother.  

Imitation workshop

The characters in Imitation are interesting, and yet true characters, and there is a great deal of mystery surrounding them. How exactly they met, what Andrew did to get his money, what he thought of the woman, are questions that are never answered in the story and I think that works for this. It comes across to me like the woman is inexperienced in the world and does not really know how to survive, so it makes sense she would go back to a man’s place that she did not know and allow him to paint her naked when he didn’t even know her name. So the audience shouldn’t know too much information because our protagonist does not know that much either.

One thing I noticed is that because there is a great deal of dialogue the story resembles a play. I’m not saying that’s bad, I love reading plays myself, but if you wanted to stay clear of that medium you might want to think about breaking up the dialogue with more action or description. She asks, “We’re taking off now?” but what is she thinking? Doing? What is her body language saying, or his body language? This could make the image of the story more complete and rely less on dialogue.  

Nothing Ever Happens workshop

Nothing Ever Happens is bursting with colorful imagery. The first sentence talks about “crystalline water,” then a “pink ruffled flower.” The story ends with Elijah looking at a “world of color and life,” and color is everywhere in this story. His red blood, glassy eyes, brown hair, every item or event is described using color and imagery to give a better understanding of the action. What makes the imagery work is that it is not used once or twice to describe a few but crucial details it describes everything. It tells a mini-story about a child playing baseball just to describe sweat. It fills the entire story, which is wonderful, but can also be used as a crutch.

            Elijah only changes as a character in the last few lines. He goes from begging God for his life to totally accepting his fate in no time at all. It’s a 180-degree change that only happened in the last few lines of the story. If the story is about your character coming to terms with his own mortality and understanding that he lived a good life, then we need to see what triggers that change. If this is a dream did he see something that reminded him of his fiancé, or his family? Maybe he should be freaking out more in the beginning to show the gradual change.

 
Also, try to avoid starting sentences with “He,” after a while it gets distracting and repetitive.     

david gold- hurricane workshop

The transition in the beginning of the Hurricane from the bon fire to the beach is very abrupt to the point where it is hard to tell where there characters are. They are instantly outside the pier fence in Tony’s truck about to hop the fence with no mention of the end of the fire or a discussion with the narrator, who has been silent so far, about why he came to the pier. In fact the narrator says very little actual words, not that it’s a bad thing, but it should be considered.  

Because most of the story is from the point of view of the narrator there is a great deal of imagery that I think really works in the story. Because this is a violent storm it needs to be described, not just clouds but the waves, the pier, and how the narrator feels. I do think you could include more dialogue and description from/about the narrator because we know very little from this story. What is his relationship to tony that he would follow him into a storm? What is his level of experience? How old is he? I think some more depth into the characters and their relationship will complement the imagery and make the story much fuller.    

david gold- milk and snails workshop

One element that was unclear while reading Milk and Snails was whom the characters are. Some details are given about Jenny, that she’s a ballerina that just got married, and that she has an eating disorder. However, very little else is discussed about her. With the way she treats her younger sister and acts she appears to be the stereotypical bitchy older sister; the kind depicted in children movies from the ‘80’s and ‘90’s. Because we only see her in these two short scenes she is not allowed to have any sort of arc or character development, making her come off as a little flat and one dimensional.

The other character in the story, the narrator, is also given sparse description and development. Most of what is in the story is the narrator complaining about her sister. Little is said about who she is. It feels as if she is only there to talk about how crazy and obnoxious her sister is with no regard for her own goals and desires. Is she secretly jealous of her sister’s dancing abilities? Does she have to fight for her parents’ attention? Who is this brother-in-law? Who is this narrator? I can understand why dramatically it makes sense to end with the line about bulimia and baby fat, but it does leave a lot to be desired for in terms of emotional response.   

david gold- the secularist workshop

I found the metaphor of The Secularist very thin, but still interesting. Just from the name of the story it seems clear that this will be looking into secularism and religion, and it doesn’t disappoint. I found it interesting that anyone who has contact with the devil has to be killed. Almost as if anyone that is contacted by a deity or supernatural power can no longer be trusted. The girl’s people do not call on gods for help because praying didn’t do anything. And the secularist travels around to free people of their bonds and ties to gods and devils; almost like a reverse missionary. I’m not saying the message is bad or should be removed, but as I said before, the metaphor is very thin. Just because it sounds like a mystic world, with elders and sacrifices does not disguise what the hidden meaning of the story is.    

I enjoyed the character arc of the woman. It felt real how she could go from scared and shy to brave and ready to die for her people. It was a slow build that took the entire story to unfold, so it didn’t seem rushed in any parts, but a natural progression. And the secularist was simply there to help her get to that point, and he did. 

david gold-hitting hard workshop

Hitting Hard does just that, hit the audience. It’s a violent story, not just physically but emotionally and visually. The language makes it sound as if every word of dialogue is screamed or backed up with intense anger. The characters are not holding back anymore, not being polite or fake, this is them angry and they want the other person to know it. It starts and she’s already angry that he didn’t call her, the smell of the food makes her sick, the man wants to ignore her, they’re both upset and we get that from the first page, and it sets the mood for the rest of the story.

But by the end we see these two people bare their souls to each other in a very gentile and romantic way. We can see why these two people fell in love to begin with. And even when Maddie threatens his life it’s a sweet romantic threat, like a playful hit. It ends with hope and a belief that these people will live happily ever after, not because they should, but because they will help each other and work to reach that point.

That change from fighting and hitting to love and hope rings true. These people might be yelling, but they do love each other and that definitely shows.    

david gold- tiny smiling daddy critique

A major problem for me in Tiny Smiling Daddy is the end. There is no resolution, not with kitty, the father or Marsha. The story just ends. It flashes back to a pivotal moment is the relationship between kitty and her father and then the story ends. The audience never finds out what happens when kitty and her father talk again, how the article affects them, or really what the article says. The story only shows snip bits of the article, and talks about how the father does not understand what she’s writing about, so it is difficult for the audience to know what the article is really about. We get clues and quotes, but I can’t help but think there is more to the article than just that. The story doesn’t even end with an indication it is going to move forward. Marsha sits on the couch and nothing else ever happens to these characters ever again.   

I also had trouble sympathizing with the father. At times he seemed pathetic then like a good man who didn’t deserve to be treated so harshly, at other times though, he just seemed like a bastard. Especially at the end when he yells at kitty for being a lesbian. It’s hard to like him through out the entire story.  

David Gold- We Didn't critique

Stuart Dybek’s We Didn’t is an uncomfortable read. It starts off with a Green Eggs and Ham like list of all the places they didn’t. It takes a second to realize what they didn’t do, that is each other. Then it goes into some graphic detail about the first time they have/attempt to have sex. Reading it made me feel very uncomfortable, like noticing a neighbor didn’t close their bedroom blinds before bedtime and you can see everything their doing. It sounds so private and intimate, and yet its being described and remembered in perfect detail for the audience. I’m not saying it’s bad, or that this shouldn’t be in stories, but it did elicit a powerful emotional response from me, namely awkwardness at being a part of this intimate act between lovers.

I find it interesting when the story takes a sharp turn from a romantic night on the beach to a ‘murder’ mystery from the point of view of a bystander. It is a point of view that is rarely explored, cops, victims, loved ones, even the murderers themselves have countless stories from their perspective. It seems rare though, that anyone care about the people on the beach that see the body when it’s discovered. The people with no connection to the victim, and thus have to guess what happened. That story alone would be interesting, but having it mixed into a graphic love story between two teenagers makes it truly a unique and intriguing read.