Pretend Games- workshop

Pretend games is about two girls playing and what happens when the playing becomes real. There doesn’t seem to be a clear conflict or resolution with the story. If the conflict is that E wants to run away then it ends with her being found, if it’s about how these girls want to switch lives then we need to see more of Tay. Since this is a third person narrator it can go into Tay’s thoughts about E and her life. But there should to be one over-arcing conflict that the characters try to resolve otherwise what’s the point of their actions.

I would have liked to see more about Tay’s life. Why does she hide on the shed roof and leave with De De? Who’s truck was in the driveway? Maybe a section that follows Tay after E leaves that shows what her life is like might explain why she is running away. There is a lot of potential in a story where both girls envy the other’s life, when in reality both are flawed and painful. Prince and pauper. 

Give The Water The Rest

Give the water the rest is an interesting fantasy story about a true monster. The opening describes Emile as someone with scales and gills in water, but it isn’t until later on that we find out that he and his sister are mermaids. At first I thought maybe he was an alligator, but when he could walk around like a human I thought maybe a shark hybrid, because he describes his shark teeth. While it is clear from the beginning that he is not human it is not completely clear that he is a mermaid until it is told to the audience.

The story is very interesting and moves at a very bisque pace, making it easy to read. I am wondering about the mermaid world. Are they the only mermaids? What is their life like when they’re not killing or raping humans? Also eternal youth is mentioned in the end. If that is something they have then maybe that should up earlier and play a bigger role.

Annunciation- workshop

Annunciation begins with a story about a girl at church that turns into a nightmare about a girl in a church. The transition from story about church to a story about rape is very subtle and well built to. It isn’t this sudden change but a slow progression. When the pastor first comes into the room he does have a very kind tone to him and we think that this is going to be a 7^th heaven moment, where she tells him her fears and he helps her. Then his words sound creepy, but could be argued as otherwise. Then he sets his words to actions and it all comes together.  

I would have like to know more about the narrator. Who she is? What is this church? What’s her history with it? And maybe an explanation on what is going on. Is this something all Christians do because I’ve only seen this on TV. Similarly I would like to see what is going on in her mind during the rape. We get a very visual image of what is happening without it being graphic or grotesque, but we never see what is going on inside her head. This will give a better idea about who she is and ultimately make her a much fuller and more sympathetic character.

Sea Oak- critique

George Saunders’s Sea Oak starts with introducing the family this story revolves around. There’s the narrator, who has to strip to earn a living, his sister and cousin who must juggle studying for the GRE, raising two babies, and watching trash TV, and the Aunt. She is made to be the most saintly character in fiction. She’s had a rough life with nothing other than work and taking care of her nieces and nephew. She is a paragon of hope optimism, and then she dies. It is so sudden and out of nowhere that it takes the reader by surprise. Especially when we find out that she was killed by freight. Not the person that robbed her, or the guns that went off what seems like the night before, but being scared by a burglar. But it’s ok because she comes back to life and goes back to the apartment to see her family. 

            Aunt Bernie coming back comes out of nowhere and turns this sadly truthful story into a weird trip. It has great potential for a lot of socio-economic commentary, and some is there. But because it changes genres from realistic drama to horro/sci-fi it takes the reader out of reality and thus undermines it messages.

looking for jason- workshop

Looking for Jason is a story of a man searching for his missing son. It is an incredibly emotional situation that has great potential, but avoids the emotional aspect. The story revolves around a man who goes to the outskirts of town to the woods to search for his son, then his reluctance to leave without him. The story mentions the man’s dead wife, and his son’s absence but it seems cold and devoid of heart. Even though I intellectually know the stakes and dilemma the man must be in, he doesn’t allow the reader to feel the stakes. This could be because we never see him express emotion. He seems to be angry in the beginning when he yells at the kids by the levee, but that could just be because they aren’t listening to him, and not out of concern for his son. The scene with him telling stories to Cassie is a great scene and can give a great insight into the character, but even that seems a little cold. Like he wants to express regret and pain, but can’t. And if that is who the character is, unfeeling, that could be a very interesting story, but then the reader needs to see the emotion he won’t show other characters, or admit to himself.

proceed to checkout- workshop

Proceed to Checkout is a look into Martha, a Kleptomaniac’s life. I like how it starts, with a receipt, but it doesn’t really fit if she is stealing, she wouldn’t get a receipt. That makes it confusing in the end when it shows a receipt for the cigarettes; it has a line for tax. So did Seth steal them, buy them, or did Martha buy them for him? Either option is interesting but the ambiguity is just confusing. I think if it’s stolen then the receipts should not resemble store receipts. It could have a zero for total, but it shouldn’t look like what a store gives.

            I also feel like this story is cut short. It ends with what looks like the opening to another story, Seth’s story. That’s something I would like to read. Is it his side of the story? His adventures? Why he went to the store with Martha to sit out in the car, wouldn’t he be better used out front as a distraction or companion? The relationship seems to be very deep and meaningful and yet we see so little of it. At first I forgot Martha was only 23 and thought she was an older mother figure to him. She still could be, or a sisterly person, or there could be some sexual tension that would make the relationship more complicated and interesting.    

blackwater men- workshop

BlackWater Men is a look into the friendship and development of two Native American boys. The story has a full arc, starting with the boys as freshmen in high school and continuing through early manhood. Making the title very sound. It starts by introducing the blackwater boys, and ends with the blackwater men driving off, never to return. Because it is a longer story it is able to follow the lives of these two boys, though mostly just Fresco, without missing or skipping anything that would be important.

            I think the stakes in this story are very palpable and relatable. The first half is about two kids doing stupid stuff in high school, a period of life marked by stupid decisions. They aren’t killing people or stealing cars, they’re raiding liquor cabinets and smoking cigarettes at parties. Then they move up to harder and more intense crimes, like meth and scamming a casino. It is a logical progression that increases the stakes and possibility of punishment. This ground in reality makes the characters real and relatable, and the events of the story believable.    

Xmas, Jamaica Plain- Critique

This is a very interesting story, both in structure and ideas. The story only loosely follows a linear progression; it does go forward but often goes back to the beginning and the idea that the narrator is the reader’s worst fear. It will often reference what happens to Emile before we actually find out. This does make it a little confusing at time, referencing something we haven’t learned yet, but after finishing it and looking back it makes sense, and it is realistic to how people talk in real life.

            I also found it very similar goldie locks and the three bears. The couple tries the baby’s bed and it’s not good enough so they move on, eating the food, then fall asleep. The difference is, it’s the bears, the dirty ones who live outside mostly who break into the blonds’ house.

            It also has an interesting point of view. We are seeing a crime from the criminal’s point of view, and it makes the criminal a very sympathetic character. The protagonist is an ideal example of an anti-hero. She’s a prostitute, drug user, and she is breaking into a family’s house, but we see her struggle so that despite everything we still want her to succeed. We see what a hard life she leads and what her to be happy, and mourn when she loses the closest person in her life.   

The Kind of Light that Shines on Texas- critique

Reginald McKnight’ The Kind of Light that Shines on Texas is an intense story about a young black boys experience with bullying and racism in his middle school in 1960’s Texas. What is surprising about the story is that for the most part the racism is understated. Like the jokes that the teacher tells the class, she says it’s all in the name of fun, but they are still racist. Or how the other kids ignore him for the most part. It only seems to be Oakley that was blatantly racist just to be racist. Everyone else seemed to be, but he was the one that really showed it and didn’t hide it.

            It was very interesting to read, I could really feel for the boy and wanted him to succeed. I do want to know what happened afterwards, to him and his family, especially his father. Although saying he was stationed in Vietnam gives the connotation and foreboding that he does not come home in one whole piece. I did find his adoration and desire to be just like his father very true and could defiantly relate to it.          

Consequences-workshop

Consequences in a story that doesn’t so much bend time, as ignore it completely. It seems to be three stories told side by side. Luckily the opening tells the reader that time is meaningless so when it bounces from time to time the shock is not so great. The story seems to be written by Dr. Manhattan the way it has all time and place going simultaneously. But at least with watchmen there was a visual indicator which time was which. And so does this story. Something small like font of margin could help the reader to distinguish between timelines. Also the characters are not fully explained and it is hard to keep track of who is doing what. It needs to be easy for the reader to read or they won’t bother to. But the play on time and space is always fun to think about.   

      If you are going to have a plot/subplot about killing God and alternate universes I think the universe the story is in needs some background and explanation, so the reader can know if it's a metaphoric killing or a literal murder of a being. 

Backseat Boy-workshop

Backseat boy is a disturbing account of a mother’s affair with a bag boy in the local grocery store. I have to wonder how old the girl was that’s narrating the story. If she’s old enough to know what an affair is and understand what’s going on with her mother why is she not doing anything? If she knows she is only going to the store as an alibi why does she keep going? Does she have a confrontation with her mother? Her father? Did she see the affair? She talks about the night she thinks it started, did she walk in on them having sex? Very little is answered or discussed in the story.

            It is hard to get to know/care about the characters. The mother is obviously not supposed to be a sympathetic character but the narrator and her sister are and yet we know very little about them. If she tells her mother what she doesn’t want to hear then give an example of a time she did that. Was it about the affair?

Departure-workshop

Departure uses detailed imagery not only of what is seen, but what is heard. It opens with the light from the street mixing with the painted ceiling to create a patch of gold. It starts with a colorful image that draws the reader into the story. Later on it talks about the creaking of the floorboards and the blare of the alarm. It evokes a lot of senses and makes the action feel real.

            I do think though that we do not get enough information on the protagonist. Why is she sneaking out in the middle of the night to go to Boston? What is the relationship she has to her mother that makes the end so emotional? Why is this the last night she will be home? If we know this then the stakes would be higher and we would have a better idea of why she does what she does.

            I also feel like it ended too soon. There’s no resolution about anything. Does “released her mother” mean she emotionally let go and then physically left? Does her mother try any other tactics to keep her a few hours longer? It is open-ended which is fine, but because we know so little about the protagonist it is hard to know what she will do next.